I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the things I would like to get done.
Did you catch that? I've been THINKING a lot lately about all the things I would like to get done. Not actually DOING them. Somehow I find myself doing a lot, and yet not enough. I feel busy all day, but when I look back at my yesterday, it seems full of nothing. Or rather, full of SOMETHINGS but not all of the somethings that I would have liked it to be...
Are you following? Does this sound like you? Are you or a loved one overwhelmed with to-do lists and endless goals?
(Now this is just turning into a bad infomercial.)
Well today a good friend posted this:
and I laughed!
But not like "funny HAHA!"
more like "funny! oh..."
Because I realized that's me exactly this morning.
Yesterday I started back at work - and I LOVE my job. But you should have seen me last night and this morning. I don't think I've ever walked around more like a zombie and I probably looked pretty frumpy and mad. I don't think I was really in a bad mood, it's just that I haven't had a nap at all in the past 2 weeks, which is not to say that I always need one, but I do like them. And especially having a baby and breastfeeding and now working, I seem to have more cause to need one these days.
Coming home from work yesterday I sat right down to nurse my baby, went on a walk with my hubs and the dogs, did the dishes, wrote in my journal, ate dinner, nursed the baby again, went through some paperwork I needed to organize, pumped and then the tiredness hit. And it was only 8:30pm.
I have been a chronic "try-to-do-too-much"er for years. I am that person with daily lists, weekly schedules, and a calendar that looks like a pen threw up on it. Jon and I constantly talk about how I have this problem with telling people "no".
I joke with people about how life with a baby means I do nothing all day, but in fact I don't think I've ever been busier. I know people with kids empathize, and people without kids understand, because they look at me walking with my baby in her carrier car-seat with my heels on, a purse and a diaper bag over my shoulder and wonder "how does she do it?" and the answer is that I'm very very tired :)
In all seriousness, though, this is why I bring all this up (no, it is not for pity).
I love my life.
It's really as simple as that. I take lots of pictures, for instance. Kate was in her swing the other day, listening to Coldplay with me while I worked on sewing projects for some upcoming baby showers and I decided to take some time just to watch her and take some pictures while she fell asleep. It's one of the first times since we brought her home that I've just spent some time photographing her and it was really fun :) I thought about posting some of them for friends and parents, etc. But I haven't had time.
I had an awesome day with my family for my sister's birthday last week! We went out to dinner and then had cake back at their house. I laughed the WHOLE night. My sister and I tried to get a picture together, which took about half an hour and 20 pictures and I still don't think we got a good one :) When it came time to cut the birthday cake, I cut out the whole piece that had her name on it, right out of the middle of the cake for her to eat. I've always wondered why people don't do that more often? It's way more fun! I have pictures of all of this too and I wanted to blog about it. But I haven't had time.
I'm making Kate's halloween costume! So far it's looking really awesome. I wanted to post pictures, but I haven't had time.
My friend Mandi came over to make tutus with me for Kate. They turned out ADORABLE. I took pictures, but haven't even taken them off the camera yet. No time.
Are you seeing a trend?
It doesn't always have to do with pictures, but my point is this:
When I look back at the last two months of having Katherine and feeling like I'm "not getting anything done", I just smile. It's been the best two months so far of my life really. And it's because I'm enjoying the "getting done" a little less, and the "doing" a little more :)
I DO a lot. And it's awesome. And the lists of tasks or silly goals I make for myself are just not important. Making sure I blog once a week? Eh. I've been waiting to blog at all because I haven't had time to blog the way I wanted. So silly! And taking time to post updated pictures of Katherine for all to see? Forget it. I have the pictures and the memories, and really it's more important for me to make sure they are in her scrapbook than on Facebook.
Somehow in this busy culture I've started feeling like if I'm not telling everyone about my life then I'm not HAVING a life. Which could not be further from the truth :)
Scheduling time with friends has been harder. Having personal time to read or work on my music has been non-existent. But what it comes down to is re-defining my interpretation of quality time.
So even though this post is wordy and pictureless, and even though there are many GOOD things I am getting done and want to do, I could not be happier. Because it's not about how awesome I think I should be - it's that I want to be awesome for Jon and Kate and Margo. And if I'm happy doing that, then the world is alright.